End Freedom of Speech!

In a move that blurs the lines between serious news and satire, President Donald Trump has announced the official cancellation of free speech, declaring it "overrated" and "tremendously abused, especially by the crazy libtards." This unprecedented decision paves the way for a new era of "Selective Expression," where only approved opinions will see the light of day.

Known for his eloquent brevity on social media, the president took to Truth Social to share the groundbreaking news: "All Federal Funding will STOP for any College, School, or University that allows illegal protests.* Agitators will be imprisoned/or permanently sent back to the country from which they came. American students will be permanently expelled or, depending on on** the crime, arrested. NO MASKS! Thank you for your attention to this matter. 

*unless held at the State Capitol and police are injured, presumably 

*DJT is his original post used the word ‘on’ twice, so we felt the need to keep it that way. 

While educational institutions have traditionally been slow to adapt, rumor has it they’re across debating whether to offer courses on "Advanced Agreeing” and “Never Stating One’s Opinion,” and “Sucking the President’s Dick.” One professor, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being too expressive, commented, "Go away."

Major news networks appear to be falling in line, rebranding themselves with catchy slogans like "All the News That's Fit to Approve" and "Fair, Balanced, and Pre-Screened." Journalists seem to be relieved, as the elimination of investigative reporting allows more time for hanging out in the pub with all of Washington D.C. 's recently unemployed. 

If you can’t find us as Fanny McFart, call the cops because we might have been gagged. Or deported.

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