Wet Fingers and Weather Vanes

In a move that seems to defy logic and reason, the United States government is doing away with the too-expensive National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), replacing it with the Department of Wet Fingers and Weather Vanes (DeWEFWEV). According to Elon Musk, the plan involves deploying wet fingers and wind chimes across the nation, particularly in Tornado Alley and hurricane-prone areas. Trump’s so-called "wet finger policy," involves licking one's finger and holding it in the air, using it to gauge wind direction and strength. “Weather Vane technology will be a secondary strategy,” Trump told Fox News, “as nationwide deployment of vanes relies heavily on sourcing metals from overseas, and with all these tariffs, things are getting expensive.”

Proponents of this initiative argue that wet fingers and weather vanes are readily available in the event of a power grid failure. Trump also argues, "it's pretty obvious when there's a big storm coming in. Look at that movie about the tornado, the one with Jodie Foster, and a tornado came in and her aunt’s lawn art went bonkers. I’m not a Jodie Foster fan, but it showed the American public just how effective wind vanes are.” Musk, standing alongside him with his son X on his shoulders, stated, “It’ll bring weather forecasting closer to home.” President Trump nodded, and says, “And people will be very, very happy. You’ll love it.”

However, these measures have sparked widespread concern among meteorologists, former agency heads, and lawmakers. The potential erosion of NOAA's capabilities could lead to diminished accuracy in weather forecasts, compromised public safety during extreme weather events, and setbacks in climate research. Additionally,the Department of Wet Fingers and Wind Chimes faces significant challenges in gaining public trust. While it’s hard to argue that the initiative will save costs, many Americans fear that wet fingers and wind chimes lack the sophistication of meteorological equipment.

In the same Fox News Interview, President Trump stated that, “Nobody has to worry, as Elon (Musk) is putting together a very nice website. I’ve seen it and it’s very well done. Highly informational and very, very good, and it won’t have any of that DEI nonsense on it,” he said. “From now on, weather forecasting will be merit based.”

In the end, the success of this initiative depends on the willingness of the American people to embrace a new era of weather monitoring—one that relies less on advanced technology, but on MAGA’s whimsical notion that wet fingers and wind chimes can predict the weather. Whether this approach is effective, or serves as yet another commentary on the state of American politics, remains to be seen.

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